Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk

Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?

that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

This was a bad idea all around

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

[deserted Island]

other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies

me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously

Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.

Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.