What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
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Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
lmao😭🤣
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.