What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
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Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”