What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
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I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.