What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
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“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”