Me: You’ve changed
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
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“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
*The doctor hands me my son. I see that he’s Asian. I look at my wife*
WIFE: I tried to tell-
ME: the stork flew so far!
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Between bank balances, my weight and age, math makes me more emotional than I ever thought possible.
Lindsay Lohan says she can’t walk down the street without men chasing her. They’re drug dealers Lindsay pay your debts..
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.