What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
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Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets