@atDevin

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

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@pixelatedboat

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

@thenatewolf

*The doctor hands me my son. I see that he’s Asian. I look at my wife*

ME: unbelievable

WIFE: I tried to tell-

ME: the stork flew so far!

@EndhooS

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

@MonSwanson

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

@MarcusTheToken

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

@DCpierson

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

@MartaEffing

Between bank balances, my weight and age, math makes me more emotional than I ever thought possible.

@TheToxicWaster

Lindsay Lohan says she can’t walk down the street without men chasing her. They’re drug dealers Lindsay pay your debts..

@mrtruthandsoul

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.