What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
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ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week