What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
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“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
opening twitter today
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction