@daemonic3

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

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@golubeerji

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

@Marcmywords2

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

@SamSykesSwears

God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol

@fireland

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

@BlacB

“I’m in your city”.

me: ok. enjoy it.

@JoParkerBear

[interrupting a rap battle] excuse me, sir, but that last line is factually inaccurate

@LuvPug

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

@ForEllieSylvia

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

@newLettuce

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle