Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
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Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
“I’m in your city”.
me: ok. enjoy it.
[interrupting a rap battle] excuse me, sir, but that last line is factually inaccurate
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle