What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

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Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.


Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.


God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol


One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.


“I’m in your city”.

me: ok. enjoy it.


[interrupting a rap battle] excuse me, sir, but that last line is factually inaccurate


People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’


Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?


Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle