What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
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*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”