What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
You Might Also Like
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
🤣🤣🤣
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Why is everyone getting married at me
black phone good
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Life hack
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
work smarter, not harder
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.