What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
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Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit