What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
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A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore