Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead

3yo: I hate vegetables!

Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?

3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!

Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

I have two kinds of followers

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

“I want you inside me.”

-says the quotation marks to the period-

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.