What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
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Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
im gay on my mothers side
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no