Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*

THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?

THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.

If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.

The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.