What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
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Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit