Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.

Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry

I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

Two-word love stories:

Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*