What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One is against the law, the other is a sick bird
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YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.