Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it

Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.

Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”

DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.

wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra