What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One is against the law, the other is a sick bird
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Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
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me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Husband of the year 😂
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
