what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
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when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺