Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

good for her

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve

Gas station lines at 2 am:

Stop the Internet. I want to get off.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

Buying a well is money well spent.

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.