What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
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If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Current mood: Potato
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Oh deer
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.