What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
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Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Gods work.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.