Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

…

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.

Howl 😭

Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.

This is why I hate group projects

[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS

If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.

Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math

Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.

[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help