What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
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waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Every photo I’m tagged in
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
