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Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.