what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
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We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
This is why I hate group projects
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.