what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
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Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
Breaking news:
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.