What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
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Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
found my next D&D character name
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.