What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
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doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.