Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*

Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…

“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.