What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
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[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Great game to play with friends
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen