What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
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Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
decorating my apartment
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.