Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

😂😂

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

Always leave them wanting their money back.

My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!