Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

Lmao

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.