Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

[approaches parent with child on a leash]

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

Hey that’s my son!

“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby

ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

This forever.

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

person: nice cheese

inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

ㅤ

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.