Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt

[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

9: Mommy can I have a treat?

Me: It’s close to bedtime so no

9: A tiny piece?

Me: No

9: A molecule? An atom?!

Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino

9: Is that a donut?

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun