Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow 🤣

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.

I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…

The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.