Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?

gender is a sprctrum

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.

My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.

why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*