Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

I’m not lazy

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants

App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?

Me: Yes.

App: That would be nice, right? lol.

Me: what…

App: Sign in again.

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.

Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”