Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Two Dough Nuts.

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts

My period: yeah what a mystery

the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

Me: That’s pretty sus

12yo: Never say that again

Me: Why?

12yo: It sounded weird when you said it

Me:

12yo:

Me: Your rules are sus

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*