Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*

“What’s your band name?”

“The Who”

“The band?”

“Not The Band, The Who”

“Please don’t make me guess who”

“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”

“May I have some of your drugs?”

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

[planning vacation]

Alexa, show me extradition treaties

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave