Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes

Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode

Me: What?

Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?

Me: Why are you being like this?

Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone

Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”

Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

You’d better have a great day today

Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer

me: were they favorable

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her