Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”

DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.

ME: “Want.”

DRACULA: Vant.

ME: Wan—it’s a W.

DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

[getting a retweet]

“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.