What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…