What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
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Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Many hands make light work
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Optional boss fight.
