What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
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When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Does this dress make me look cat?
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?