What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
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It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.