What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
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Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.