What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
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Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.