What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
You Might Also Like
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
sure, why not
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank