What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
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If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
