What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
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If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
