What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
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I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
☠️ ☠️
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
North and South
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.