Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

Just got to our Airbnb!

I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.

interviewer: ur biggest weakness?

me: i hate working

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!

Me: *don’t care*

Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie

Me: *jealous rage*

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You’re not funny.

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.