what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
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Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.