“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
You Might Also Like
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
They’re the worst 😩
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.