what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
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My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
no one likes gloating
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.