What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
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A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN