Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*

Me: Delete it.

Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿

Maybe I’m the problem..

Nvm that don’t even sound right

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

When your best mate counts as a desk too

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

[White Castle]

YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.

ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”

~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes