If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
You Might Also Like
I love how Prince Charming is so dumb he doesn’t recognize Cinderella without her shoe.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Keep “Christ in “Christopher Lloyd” because without it, he’d be “Opher Lloyd” and that sounds like “overlord.” Huh? I’ll have a Sprite.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Registering my annual objection to Groundhog Day. We live in Canada. There will most definitely be six more weeks of winter. I don’t need a rodent to tell me this.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris