What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
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*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I know karate and tons of other words.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.