What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
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My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Are you a robot? Select all images with weak points in humanity’s defenses.