What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
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Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
December birthdays be like…
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
who did the taste test?
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges