@Parkerlawyer

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

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@pixelatedboat

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that

@harriweinreb

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

@Storminika

The president says 60% of Americans don’t know math — 60%. So what if 60% don’t know math? What about the 85% that do know math?

@CrockettForReal

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

@MunkMania

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

@SpacePlankton

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

@CauseWereGuys

My roommate is 3 days younger than me so ive gotten in the habit of saying “when i was your age..” and then describing what i did 3 days ago

@TheTweetOfGod

Money can’t buy happiness, but neither can poverty, and money can buy a lot of other really cool stuff, so try to have some at all times.