When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
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the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
lot going on here, legally speaking.
The president says 60% of Americans don’t know math — 60%. So what if 60% don’t know math? What about the 85% that do know math?
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
My roommate is 3 days younger than me so ive gotten in the habit of saying “when i was your age..” and then describing what i did 3 days ago
Money can’t buy happiness, but neither can poverty, and money can buy a lot of other really cool stuff, so try to have some at all times.