Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.

OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.