What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
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ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.