what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
You Might Also Like
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
Guys which shade of gery should I get
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”