what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
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[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
💀
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?