“Damn girl, you look hot”
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
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guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Follow your instincts, into the path of a moving train.
I was pissed when I dropped my iPhone in the toilet.
Not as pissed as the girl I was trying to take pics of though.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”