what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
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In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
why would tinder want me to say this
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead