what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”

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“Damn girl, you look hot”


“Like a sexy little italian car”



guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome


I was pissed when I dropped my iPhone in the toilet.

Not as pissed as the girl I was trying to take pics of though.


It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds


[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]

Thug: This is an arm robbery!

Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?

Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope


I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.


Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.


*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*


“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”